Reflections on college
When I was at college, it was a dark time in my life. I had spent my high school years in a place where I didn't want to be, and I let everyone know it. I was escaping a home chock full of abuse and neglect of ME...I was the stepchild, so I didn't matter. I was told how worthless I was. I have scars all over my body that tell stories of the pain I went through. When I finally escaped, I decided to become this horrible person that everyone thought I was. I partied too much (well, for me...I'm not much of a party girl). I did stupid things. I wasn't reliable. I.Didn't.Care.
I joined a sorority, because that's what you did. I was a royal pain in the tuckus from my first day. I went against the grain. I was mouthy and rude. I didn't adhere to the guidelines of the sorority. They had study hall; I didn't go. They had service events; I was "too busy." I didn't make many friends. I wasn't very nice. I totally regret that now.
My second year in college, I became deathly ill. I had neuropathy in the nerves in my stomach, because of my diabetes. I actually died. I was 20 years old, laying in a hospital bed, and I realized that I had made many mistakes. I tried to fix them, but it was too late. When I went back to college, I tried to fix my act, tried to be a good girl. But the damage had been done. Nobody trusted me anymore. At this point, I moved off campus, into a garage apartment. I loved my apartment, but it did sequester me even further from the campus.
Because of my illnesses, my GPA had fallen below acceptable levels, so I was required to attend study hall to remain in good standing with my sorority. I was also restricted from social events. Study hall was from 7-9 at night. Unfortunately, with 7:45 am classes, I often couldn't stay awake long enough to trudge up the hill to the study hall. I was usually in bed by 6:30, or I would have fallen asleep at my desk. Of course, since my sisters had been victims of my untrustworthiness in the past, they didn't accept this. I was called to report to council, and while there, they slapped me with the truth of what I had been the years before. I had enough, and I basically said, "You know, you can sit there all high and mighty, but you're judging me on previous standards. Nobody knows what I've been through the last year. Nobody cares. Nobody understands. I'm done." I quit paying my dues, and because I was in default, I was placed on probation. I stayed there until graduation.
I didn't have the happy memories so many of sorority life that most college girls have. I really screwed myself. And I'm paying for it now. I wish I had done things differently!
We had a sister, Angie, who was a ball of fire. ENERGY, VIGOR and a LOVE OF LIFE. But she was also one of the nicest people you could meet. Angie is now battling IBC, and is very ill. I have kept up with her through the years, thanks to a friend of mine. We hooked up on Facebook, we've emailed, and I've prayed for her daily since her diagnosis. Her friend has set up a cancer page, and I left a message there for her. I read many of the messages, and I saw a lot of messages from our sorority sisters. ENCOURAGEMENT! SUPPORT, LOVE! It was precious to see.
I got to thinking...NONE of those people would care if anything happened to me. I know that sounds selfish, but hang with me for a second, because I'm going somewhere with this. I have honestly not made a difference in people's lives. I am a pariah. Oh, I'm sure I've left my mark on a few people here and there, but I have not touched nearly the number of people that I could have. And it makes me sad.
Has my life been a waste? Have I spent so much time hanging onto the past, that I've not been able to leave a positive on people in the present and the future? When I die, will I have left a mark? Will people care?
Maybe it's time for me to change my attitude. Not because of the accolades, but because I truly want to make this a better place. I am full of doubts, I have no idea what my strengths are, how I could possibly do something. But I want to leave a mark. I want somebody, not my family, but SOMEBODY, to say, "I am in a better place in my life because Valerie made a difference."
I am so blessed to have my sorority sisters who
I joined a sorority, because that's what you did. I was a royal pain in the tuckus from my first day. I went against the grain. I was mouthy and rude. I didn't adhere to the guidelines of the sorority. They had study hall; I didn't go. They had service events; I was "too busy." I didn't make many friends. I wasn't very nice. I totally regret that now.
My second year in college, I became deathly ill. I had neuropathy in the nerves in my stomach, because of my diabetes. I actually died. I was 20 years old, laying in a hospital bed, and I realized that I had made many mistakes. I tried to fix them, but it was too late. When I went back to college, I tried to fix my act, tried to be a good girl. But the damage had been done. Nobody trusted me anymore. At this point, I moved off campus, into a garage apartment. I loved my apartment, but it did sequester me even further from the campus.
Because of my illnesses, my GPA had fallen below acceptable levels, so I was required to attend study hall to remain in good standing with my sorority. I was also restricted from social events. Study hall was from 7-9 at night. Unfortunately, with 7:45 am classes, I often couldn't stay awake long enough to trudge up the hill to the study hall. I was usually in bed by 6:30, or I would have fallen asleep at my desk. Of course, since my sisters had been victims of my untrustworthiness in the past, they didn't accept this. I was called to report to council, and while there, they slapped me with the truth of what I had been the years before. I had enough, and I basically said, "You know, you can sit there all high and mighty, but you're judging me on previous standards. Nobody knows what I've been through the last year. Nobody cares. Nobody understands. I'm done." I quit paying my dues, and because I was in default, I was placed on probation. I stayed there until graduation.
I didn't have the happy memories so many of sorority life that most college girls have. I really screwed myself. And I'm paying for it now. I wish I had done things differently!
We had a sister, Angie, who was a ball of fire. ENERGY, VIGOR and a LOVE OF LIFE. But she was also one of the nicest people you could meet. Angie is now battling IBC, and is very ill. I have kept up with her through the years, thanks to a friend of mine. We hooked up on Facebook, we've emailed, and I've prayed for her daily since her diagnosis. Her friend has set up a cancer page, and I left a message there for her. I read many of the messages, and I saw a lot of messages from our sorority sisters. ENCOURAGEMENT! SUPPORT, LOVE! It was precious to see.
I got to thinking...NONE of those people would care if anything happened to me. I know that sounds selfish, but hang with me for a second, because I'm going somewhere with this. I have honestly not made a difference in people's lives. I am a pariah. Oh, I'm sure I've left my mark on a few people here and there, but I have not touched nearly the number of people that I could have. And it makes me sad.
Has my life been a waste? Have I spent so much time hanging onto the past, that I've not been able to leave a positive on people in the present and the future? When I die, will I have left a mark? Will people care?
Maybe it's time for me to change my attitude. Not because of the accolades, but because I truly want to make this a better place. I am full of doubts, I have no idea what my strengths are, how I could possibly do something. But I want to leave a mark. I want somebody, not my family, but SOMEBODY, to say, "I am in a better place in my life because Valerie made a difference."
I am so blessed to have my sorority sisters who
Bought a new TV!
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Bought a new TV!
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It is instructive. But I would not have been able to.
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