What is in store for me? Or: How do I deal with the hurt and the anger?
I think I'm in the line of spiritual fire. I am not a strong warrior. I am not ready for this fight. I don't want it. What happens if I refuse to go through with this? That's where I am.
Last week was my week of my faith crisis. I literally lost complete and total faith in God. I truly believed that he didn't exist. I felt that I was being punched, multiple times, and that I couldn't dodge them. I lost faith in my ability to do anything. I came to the realization that I'm nothing if I'm not bringing in an income, and I can't get a job right now. I was very, very ill and in a lot of pain. I looked around and realized I had nobody. No real friends, no family, just this little tiny chair in this little tiny room, where I now sit, play and sleep. I keep being told that God has something big in mind. I don't WANT big. I want my friend, my dad, and my life back.
Over the weekend, my father broke my heart. Bit of a background. He left when I was 2, and was barely in my life until my 20's, then he did something horrible and dropped out again. I allowed him back in, and he decided to use my home as his permanent address. I told him that was fine, as long as he didn't run over my kids in the process. I gave him very clear guidelines, and I told him if he blew it, it was done. Dad is a womanizer, and true to form, he chose his newest flame over his family, and then had the audacity to bring her and her smelly dog to my house, completely uninvited, then tell my young children that they were sleeping together and he was moving in with her. Then he couldn't keep his hands off of her during my daughter's birthday party. She was mortified. I was mortified. DH's parents were disgusted. The next morning at breakfast, he mentioned that he and his newest flame had slept in the same bed. Which brought out a lot of questions from my very impressionable 10 year old son. Then he proceeded to completely roll over my feelings, and move out. As he was leaving, I reminded him that, as per our agreement, he was now severing ties with our family. He was FURIOUS. He called today, and I lit into him again. But it's the right decision. I can't have that behavior around my children.
And, typically, I would have called my friend and told her. But she is writing me out of her life. So, likewise, I have had to do the same thing. And THAT is breaking my kids' hearts more than losing Dad. Her DH and my DH have been best friends since 1st grade, and Darren and the kids are still planning on going up there for summer vacation, but they have collectively asked me to stay behind. I'm fine with that. I understand. The kids have been planning for this trip for nearly 2 years, and have been busy making maps and plans of what to do. I won't take that away from them, just because I'm a horrible person. Hey, I'm not employed; I don't need a summer vacation, right?
I simply don't know what to do anymore. I'm just existing. I even thought there was going to be a Bible study in our online group, but although I've kept up with it, nobody else has. EDITED TO SAY: I hadn't seen any other posts about it so I didn't know anybody else was doing it still. I'm not really smart when it comes to the Bible, so I don't ask the questions.Apparently, neither is anybody else. That's just something else that I've failed.
I've tried to get involved in groups. It hasn't worked. I did Curves for over a year, but now that I'm not working, I can't afford it. Next to go is Weight Watchers. All my hard work will go down the tubes. I'm on a committee for PTA, but the committee I head, nobody else ever participates in, although I repeatedly ask for help, so I don't make friends there. I tried to get involved in groups at church, but everyone is already pretty much palled up, so I don't have anybody there, either. My kids go to a small school, so all those parents have deep roots. I'm just not able to fit in there.
I thought God had something in mind for me. He's stripping me down to nothingness. I am not handling this well at all.
Last week was my week of my faith crisis. I literally lost complete and total faith in God. I truly believed that he didn't exist. I felt that I was being punched, multiple times, and that I couldn't dodge them. I lost faith in my ability to do anything. I came to the realization that I'm nothing if I'm not bringing in an income, and I can't get a job right now. I was very, very ill and in a lot of pain. I looked around and realized I had nobody. No real friends, no family, just this little tiny chair in this little tiny room, where I now sit, play and sleep. I keep being told that God has something big in mind. I don't WANT big. I want my friend, my dad, and my life back.
Over the weekend, my father broke my heart. Bit of a background. He left when I was 2, and was barely in my life until my 20's, then he did something horrible and dropped out again. I allowed him back in, and he decided to use my home as his permanent address. I told him that was fine, as long as he didn't run over my kids in the process. I gave him very clear guidelines, and I told him if he blew it, it was done. Dad is a womanizer, and true to form, he chose his newest flame over his family, and then had the audacity to bring her and her smelly dog to my house, completely uninvited, then tell my young children that they were sleeping together and he was moving in with her. Then he couldn't keep his hands off of her during my daughter's birthday party. She was mortified. I was mortified. DH's parents were disgusted. The next morning at breakfast, he mentioned that he and his newest flame had slept in the same bed. Which brought out a lot of questions from my very impressionable 10 year old son. Then he proceeded to completely roll over my feelings, and move out. As he was leaving, I reminded him that, as per our agreement, he was now severing ties with our family. He was FURIOUS. He called today, and I lit into him again. But it's the right decision. I can't have that behavior around my children.
And, typically, I would have called my friend and told her. But she is writing me out of her life. So, likewise, I have had to do the same thing. And THAT is breaking my kids' hearts more than losing Dad. Her DH and my DH have been best friends since 1st grade, and Darren and the kids are still planning on going up there for summer vacation, but they have collectively asked me to stay behind. I'm fine with that. I understand. The kids have been planning for this trip for nearly 2 years, and have been busy making maps and plans of what to do. I won't take that away from them, just because I'm a horrible person. Hey, I'm not employed; I don't need a summer vacation, right?
I simply don't know what to do anymore. I'm just existing. I even thought there was going to be a Bible study in our online group, but although I've kept up with it, nobody else has. EDITED TO SAY: I hadn't seen any other posts about it so I didn't know anybody else was doing it still. I'm not really smart when it comes to the Bible, so I don't ask the questions.
I've tried to get involved in groups. It hasn't worked. I did Curves for over a year, but now that I'm not working, I can't afford it. Next to go is Weight Watchers. All my hard work will go down the tubes. I'm on a committee for PTA, but the committee I head, nobody else ever participates in, although I repeatedly ask for help, so I don't make friends there. I tried to get involved in groups at church, but everyone is already pretty much palled up, so I don't have anybody there, either. My kids go to a small school, so all those parents have deep roots. I'm just not able to fit in there.
I thought God had something in mind for me. He's stripping me down to nothingness. I am not handling this well at all.
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1/15/2008 10:16 AM
vacation wrote:
Bookmarked your post over at Blog Bookmarker.com!
I have been in similar circumstances.
Depression and anxiety have been a part of me since I was young. I can understand why you want your dad in your life, but is it a healthy relationship for you and your family?! If his feet are under your roof
.....! Please help yourself. No one can but you. I have had therapy and I am on medications. It all helps.
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Valerie...I'm not sure how to respond to this...I'm on chapter 8 of John...I'm still reading...hmm...
If you had an issue with the way the study was going an email would have solved it...not putting up such a hurtful post on your blog.
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Valerie,
I dont know you from Joe blow on the street, but this I do know, God does NOT take us thru breaking moments for NO reason, he has something to show you in this time of hurts and trials. He also expects us to learn from all of the experiences we go thru, and HE does exist. I know he does because I talked to Him today. LEAN hard on HIM He has strong shoulders, get your eyes off the people around you, people never fill our voids only God can do that.
~Cindy~
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Valerie... I am going to give you some tough love here. I have been reading all that you have to say and girl you are in victim mode. Stop letting the world happen to you and start being proactive. Whether you feel like it or not, get up every day and spend time in God's word. Whether you like it or not, take responsibility for your own weight loss and stop thinking that without weight watchers or curves you cannot do this. Whether you like it or not, strap on your tennis shoes and head out the door and walk and pray. Whether you like it or not STOP BEING A VICTIM AND WHINING!!!
I am sorry for what you have been through with your dad but there is so much more than wallowing in the past! Move forward....
I say these things because I love you. If I did not love you I would NOT care one whit what happens to you and what you are doing to yourself. Take responsibility for yourself and your own actions and stop blaming the world for where you are. The choices you make make you... Make better choices and start by choosing NOT to play the victim any more.
(((HUG)))
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Valerie, I know what it is like to feel like you have no friends and don't fit in. Believe me, I do. I do NOT have any IRL friends, have not had for a number of years and I have struggled with God about this, and I have fought with him over this, but I do NOT let it rule me, and I do not let it affect the whole of the rest of my life. I have learnt to be grateful for the online friends that I have and for the IRL acquaintances that I have too.
But can I say, that once again I see you contradicting yourself. Only the other day you were saying how well your small group meal went on Sunday and how well you got on with a number of the people at that event. Only the other day you were telling us that Darren stood up for you with your dad. Do you have any idea how many women are longing for their partners to stand up for them? Longing to see them take a stand on their behalf? And here you are yet again saying you have nothing?
You have beautiful children, you are a beautiful woman, I would not say that if I did not mean it, and you have a husband who is willing to stand up on your behalf in a difficult situation. Please, listen to what the other commenters are saying, we all want to see you living victoriously and we wouldn't even bother to say this stuff if we didn't care.
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Valerie,
First off, you need to know that I love you and that what I am about to say comes from a place of love. You need to stop with your self-defeating attitude and focus on what is good and right. All I see is that you have become your own worst enemy, and in the process other people are hurting too. I personally felt like we were on the path to an awesome lifelong friendship, but, you have not returned any of my calls (I do understand if you aren’t ready to talk to anyone) and then you make comments about friends like me being “just there”. The thing is, if you needed someone bad enough, I am always just there and available. You have never been alone in any of this, even though you might have felt so. You have many women willing to stand with you and stand for you, but you insist on pushing them away. Any comment made as a response to you is met with another argument for why your life sucks. Everyone’s life sucks. You can choose to pull yourself out of it and let your family (even if your family is only your husband and kids) and friends help carry you, or you wallow in it and it eats you alive.
When I look at your life, amidst all of the crap and the bad, you are a very blessed woman. You have a great husband, willing to work his butt off for his family, and 3 really funny, smart just awesome kids. Isn’t that enough? Aren’t they enough? Aren’t you enough? Even if God chose to never bless you anymore than He has already blessed you, wouldn’t that be enough? Valerie, I love you dearly, and our conversation the last time we had lunch helped carry me through some of the things I have been dealing with in my own life. You are a smart, beautiful, friendly, loveable woman. I hope that someday soon you can see all of those things in yourself, the way other people do. Forget everyone who is only trying to bring you down and focus on everyone who loves you and wants the best for you. Stuff does not define you. Your character and how you choose to live your life is what defines you.
Choose to knock everyone socks off. Choose to rock this world. Choose to be happy. Choose to let people love you. Accept true friendship.
I do love you. Very much. The bible should be there between tomorrow and Friday. Please know that it was sent in love, by someone who wants you to see the Lord’s love for you, and all that He has given to you. I hope that it helps guide your path in your walk with Him.
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You KNOW I love you, I am here and you can call to talk about anything...you arent alone, but you need to start listening to the love, even tough love that has been given to you...as Leann said, if we didnt love, we wouldnt even bother to engage in this battle with you or for you - and you MUST understand that not everyone can go thru our battles with us...it has NO reflection on them or their love for us, it is just the way it is. Give the kind of grace you expect for yourself. I hope you KNOW I am here. ILU.
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I think God is trying to get you to think bigger than you do. You are not "nothing" without a job. When you read those words that you typed, do you really think God is only that deep? That your only value is whatever income you bring in, or the kind of work you do? I really feel that God is trying to get you see Him and yourSELF on more than a surface level... because when it comes down to it, jobs don't mean anything. It's just another "thing". But relationships and how you treat people... that's where we have to be careful. I try to keep in mind... Am I speaking kindly to others? Do I try to see where they are coming from, even when they seem to be "against" me - there must be a deeper meaning. Maybe I'm not good for that person right now, or maybe God is trying to say, some distance from that person will do ME good. And I am always careful that I don't make jabs that are hidden by vague words, because that's an easy trap to fall into. God loves YOU. Not your job, not how much income you bring in. He takes delight in the depths of what makes you you. And no *thing* on this earth is going to influence how He sees you.
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Thank you all. I think I'm starting to see the light. I covet your love and your prayers. Thank you for not giving up on me. I love you.
Monika, honey, it's UGLY deep inside me. It's not about how deep God is. It's about how ugly I am inside. I know, physically, I'm an attractive person. But...the ugliness that's deep inside me pours out and affects everything. And I can't stop it, as much as I battle, and as much as I try. I pray it down, and it leaves for a time. But it always comes back. If I focus on my surface, then I feel better about myself. It's when I feel I have to go deep, that things go horribly wrong.
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Oh Valerie - You are not alone. I'm in the same place. I moved to VA a year ago and despite my efforts (and joining Curves was one of them), I have no friends here. Right now, I'm unemployed and broke too so I totally get how you're feeling but I KNOW that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord. I believe that if you hold tight to God, things will work out for you (try to walk by faith and not by what you see happening around you). I'm saying prayer for you now.
P.S. Thanks for stopping by my blog.
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"It's not about how deep God is. It's about how ugly I am inside. I know, physically, I'm an attractive person. But...the ugliness that's deep inside me pours out and affects everything. And I can't stop it, as much as I battle, and as much as I try. I pray it down, and it leaves for a time. But it always comes back. If I focus on my surface, then I feel better about myself. It's when I feel I have to go deep, that things go horribly wrong."
These words are powerful and exactly what God wants to deal with in you...the only way to have that stuff removed from your life is to LET God deal with it and it aint pretty, easy or fun...BUT. it is worth it, because of the freedom He is seeking to gain for you and in you. He seeks to do this in ALL of those that are His...its when we refuse to go where He is leading us that things go bad...cuz we are actually fighting the living hand of God in our life...no good can come from doing that, can there? Staying on the surface, when we serve a deep and loving God is a choice to be safe...to a finite mind, but not to an infinite one...who knows what He is doing, even when we dont understand, dont feel like it makes sense and feel afraid. If you can get your hands ona book called Hinds Feet by Hannah Hurnard I think it will help you understand the journey He is calling you to...we are all Much Afraids...all of us. I love you, we are all here and you are NOT alone...please stop saying that...it pushes us aside as if we dont exist in your life and we do, dont we?
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Write more often
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